I used to be sexy

I don't know what it is - maybe it's because I am reading that silly vampire book to get ready for the movie release or maybe its because I was at the gym or who knows what- but I started to think about how much I love my guy and how when we were first married - we ravaged each other, we couldn't get enough of each other- we were that couple... and then we had our baby - and things changed - and I thought I was prepared for that, EVERYBODY warned us about that- "it's different once the baby arrives" "it will never be the same" blah blah blah ... I thought we were different - I thought it wasn't us - we were so hot, so passionate about each other - how could that ever happend??? RIGHT ???
it happened - it happened before I even realized it was happening - and so today as I worked out at the gym - it was on my mind

why did it happen? is it stress, it is exhaustion, is it our current living situation being less then my ideal? What is it??? I think its a combination of these things - but I think mostly it comes down to this - I used to be sexy... maybe not to you, but to some people, including myself... I was sexy - and now when I look at myself I am frumpy, I am a mommy, I am under dressed and over stressed - I am anything but SEXY
where is justin timberlake when I need him - I need my sexy back....
so now I am on a mission to bring my sexy back - wish me luck
now I am off to clean the bathroom, do some laundry and pick up our bedroom.... sexy I know! ;)

Has it really been six weeks

Today was my last day of boot camp... really ? seriously? WOW - It was hard, I hated waking up in the morning - but I loved how I felt after each day of training - I loved my sore muscles, I loved my food choices (ok.. I didn't LOVE my food choices...., but I loved actually thinking about what I was putting in my body)

and now its over, I really can't believe it - I love that I am healthier, and I love that I appreciate and enjoy working out again. 805 Bootcamp was awesome and I am going to miss it- I won't be returning this very next boot camp because we are going to be out of town and summer is crazy - but I am going to continue running and working out daily - as a matter of fact I have to go check out the gym and see about summer prices tomorrow. I am hoping that my schedule will allow me to return to bootcamp in the fall - cause I mean, lets be honest ... with a 39.1 mile walk coming up- I can use all the training help I can get.

boot camp here I come

Ok - I did it -its official - I signed up for boot camp - so starting Monday, for the next 6 weeks I am going to work my butt off and hopefully this will turn into habit - and I will actually start to like myself again..... here is for hoping, right !

The Prince and the Pea

I bought a crib tent .....

There I said it- I was desperate and I didn't know what to do and I never wanted to use it but I had no idea what else to do

X learned how to crawl out of his crib in December - and that same day I ordered the crib tent on ebay

Then he didn't seem to be interested in crawling out of his crib any more so thank goodness crisis averted YEAH Christmas came and went and then out of the blue in the middle of the night X walked into our room WHAT WHAT WHAT !?!?

Yep - that was it - up went the crib tent - but I hated using it and X hated it too. Our night time routine has become grueling Jack or I have to read him a TON of stories and then rock and sing him til he is out OR lay with him in the full size bed in his room til he falls asleep....

Which brings me to this - the real heart of the problem. I am not ready for him to sleep in a real bed- and a long time ago - when we were buying X's crib, I said " oh I don't want a convertable crib because by the time X is ready to be in a toddler bed, baby #2 will be ready for the crib"

and that is the real heart of the problem - there is no baby # 2 ready for that crib - my little X is growing up and in my well planned life X and baby # 2 were going to be 2.5 years apart. Even if I got pregnant tomorrow they would be three years apart. And now that I am in grad school baby # 2 isn't even in the plans for til I graduate

I am so glad that I got to go back to school and that I have these opportunities but at the same time I am having such a hard time with my whole plan getting messed up - it breaks my heart that just about ever body that had a baby around the time that X was born is pregnant again -

Xavier can't fall asleep in his crib - I can't stand the thought of him sleeping in a big bed and baby # 2 is no where in sight.

Meet X

I thought long and hard about whether or not to use my family's real names - I mean this blog is an honest look into my reality but at the same time is it fair to throw their names around. Secondly - there is a little bit of sacredness when it comes to the name of my little boy - I can't really explain it - and then if I am going to use an alias for him, don't I owe my husband the same respect. So after much debate- and mostly a lot of wondering why I am even wasting my time debating this because once again - WHO IS EVEN GOING TO READ THIS ....

But I decided to go ahead with the aliases -

Agh ... and then the headache of trying to rename my son and my husband - yikes

but here it is

My dear son age 2 shall from this moment forward - in this blog world- be known as Xavier or X

My amazing husband shall from this moment forward - in this blog world - be known as Jack

there it is ... now keep up

Do you think that's a good idea????

I recently took my son on a sight seeing adventure. I wouldn't normally bring my son on an adventure like this because he is at an age where he is all about independence. It was a tour where strollers were prohibited (GREAT), you had to stay on a carpeted walk way (AWESOME) and you can't touch anything (OH JOY)... yeah this was definitely not the tour of my dreams for me and "Xavier" but we were on a trip and sometimes you just have to go with the flow ( the flow being those who don't have kids - thus don't understand that historic walking tour + active 2 year old = DISASTER)

Half way through the tour Xavier had had enough of not being able to touch, walk around and run. So he started to fuss. I tried to keep him interested and distracted but it was not exactly working - Then this very well meaning lady tried to be oh so helpful takes a ring off her finger and offers it to X ?!?!?!

What ????

It goes down something like this

WELL MEANING LADY: (taking off her ring- "here do you want to play with this... it's shinny"

ME: "oh no, thank you but no thanks - it will be okay

WML: " no its okay here .... play with this"

ME: (trying to walk towards security to be taken off the tour) "its ok, but thank you"

WML: Gives ring to X - who then throws it as far as he can.... ( in the dark room lit only by candles where you were NOT allowed to leave the carpet walk way)

Good luck with that one lady

it was at that point that I found security and was led to the "crying room" for the remainder of the tour- Thank you Thank you Thank you

AGH - I mean really did that seem like a good idea - you didn't see me taking off my wedding ring to appease my son who was pre tantrum ----

REALLY DID THAT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA

Who is (ME) ?

I am a mom, I haven't been a mom for long (my amazing son is 2 years old) but somewhere during those amazing 2 years (or perhaps even the 9 months preparing for my little boy) I lost sight of myself. In becoming a Mom - I lost (ME). It took me a while to realize what had even happened. I started hating the person I had become. This was not how I envisioned "motherhood" I didn't plan on things being like that. Finally it hit me - I needed to find a happy medium, a balance between being a Mommy and being Me - I needed to become a Mom(ME).

This isn't about having a selfish idealistic picture of what motherhood should be like. It's simply reminding myself that its okay to still be the person I was b.c. (before child)

No, things obviously aren't going to be exactly the same as they were before my little Mr. Wonderful was born - and I would never want them to be that way BUT I didn't have to give it all up and so now I am reclaiming myself

here's to the adventure of becoming (ME) again.... enjoy the ride